Holiday Hell, Part 2
I wrote a post last year that talked about how to deal with the holidays and the stress and overwhelm that they can bring here , and I wrote about grief here. Today’s post talks about how to deal with grief at the holidays. I am not talking about the generic sadness that can strike because imagined holiday joy is offset by the reality of dealing with family, or work, or horrible happenings in the world at large.
I am talking about the kind of grief that comes from spending your first holidays without the best friend, the child, the mother, the brother, the son, the daughter, the husband, the wife, the partner, the father, the grandfather, the grandmother, the auntie, the uncle, or sister that has left this world.
I am talking about the kind of grief and sadness that sneaks up on you randomly and delivers a heart crushing pain. It can be little things that trigger it, a familiar smell, a place that reminds you of them, a store display, a gift that you might have bought, lighting the candles, a song that you hear, an ornament, or a tradition that now seems empty.
I have lived a bit at this point in my life, and have had my share of holidays that were about getting through them rather than celebrating. I know that I have been fortunate to have more years where I have reveled in all that is wonderful and good and happy about the holidays. I know that this year many of my friends are trying to find a way through the holidays. This my letter to them, and to everyone who is trying to support them.
- Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to feel better, even if that means that you are doing something completely different.
- Let yourself be as sad as you need to be, don’t try and stuff your feelings because you are afraid of making others uncomfortable.
- Do not self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. As hard as it is, feel your feelings, masking them with substances is not good for your health.
- Let others do for you. If you cannot get it together to do what you have always done, let someone else do it.
- Surround yourself with people that love you, birth family, or made family, whoever it is, let them love you.
- If you are considering self-harm, please, please, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ . They have online services that are there to help.
If you are the one trying to help someone that is struggling here are your five tips:
- Ask what you can do to help, and then do it.
- Do not change the subject if the person grieving wants to talk about their sadness, let them express how they are feeling. Listen.
- If you are concerned about how someone is handling their grief, ask them. It is okay to talk about being sad.
- Love them, even if they are not themselves, even if they are angry, moody, or cry a lot, hold them if they need/want it, give them space to feel what they are feeling.
- If you are concerned that the person is at risk for self-harm, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ . They have many resources, to help you help the person you are worried about.
Goats
If you have not guessed I have a thing for photographing animals. I was able to spend a lovely Fall afternoon playing with and photographing this beautiful trio of goats. Remember to feed your creative soul. Take the time to get outside and away from screens. Take time for you. Thanks Kelly for making it happen.
Women’s Voices:Megan Hart- Review Hold Me Close
Hold Me Close is a nuanced story of two damaged people finding their way back from the edge of a dark abyss, embracing their past and eventually each other. Effie and Heath are two people who endured a horrific life event as adolescents, one of them trying to leave it far behind, and the other believing that what they have survived together has created a love and a bond between them that few will ever have or understand.
A story of survival and love, Hold Me Close follows Effie, frustrated by how her past defines her present, wanting to distance herself from her notoriety, and questioning her sexual desires, Effie tries to fit her life into her imagined version of normal. As she struggles to unwind the twisted events of her life, a confrontation with her past drives Effie to realize that to be loved means that you can be your fearful, brave, strong, dark, rough, pain/pleasure seeking self, celebrated for who you are, instead of being tolerated because of your past.
In the hands of a lesser writer Effie’s story could be a maudlin tale of victimization, but Effie is a strong character, pushing herself to move beyond fears and others’ expectations to actively make choices about her life. If you are already a fan of Megan Hart, Hold Me Close does not disappoint, if you have not read Ms. Hart, understand that she writes stories that tear your heart out, after twisting it a bit, she will, ever so sweetly tuck it back into your chest, no worse for the wear. Prepare to be sucked into a dark world where the light at the end of the tunnel is tinted orange.
Hold Me Close is available for pre-order here, or at your favorite independent book store November 24.
Reentry: After Travel Self-Care
I spent last week in a fog after attending the Surrey International Writers Conference this year. Reentry into family/work/real life after travel /learning /inspiration/ and only having to take care of yourself can make the strongest among us freak out. Combine jet-lag, sleep issues, the time change, and all the stuff you did not do while you were gone and it can overwhelming and frustrating. All the ideas that you have for getting back to work to finish projects or start new ones can come to a grinding halt as your mind and body try to adjust, add a little ADD/ADHD into the mix and you have the perfect storm for feeling and acting like this:
Here are five things that can help with reentry:
- Exercise. Walk or swim, or whatever it is that gets your body moving and rests your brain.
- Nature. Get outside, breathe, disconnect from electronics. Give your mind time to appreciate world without a screen.
- Eat well. Drink water.
- Be gentle with yourself.
- Be gentle with your family. Little ones often are sad/mad that you left them, they may cling or be difficult to let you know that they missed you, and are unhappy that you were gone. Sometimes big people behave the same way if they have had care and feeding of the littles. Remember that while a conference is work/career related, you were able to enjoy the company of other adults, and the parent at home was dealing with the fallout from your absence.
Conferences can be well-springs of information, inspiration, and support. Do not let after conference stress keep you from attending, try these tips after your next conference for a smoother reentry.
Have Journal Will Travel: Interview with Fiona Zedde
I have written before about writing while traveling and keeping a journal while traveling as a way to infuse your writing with sensual energy and filling your creative well. Today’s post features one of my favorite authors, Fiona Zedde. Ms. Zedde recently celebrated the tenth anniversary of her first novel Bliss. I talk about my favorites of her novels in this post .
From her speculative fiction to her contemporary romance, Ms. Zedde never disappoints. Her novels are rich, sensuous and decadent. I live vicariously by following her travel adventures. As she prepares for the release of To Italy with Love and Other Stories, she very graciously took time out of her busy travel schedule to answer some questions about traveling as a writer.
- Have you always had the desire to travel?
Since I was twelve! I got on my first airplane when emigrating from Jamaica, and that’s when I fell in love with traveling. The entire experience captured my imagination and my interest – leaving one culture to immerse myself in another; hovering over the world and looking at it through strange little windows; even the food. I remember they served callaloo on that first Air Jamaica flight. I love food.
- Which comes first, the idea for a story in a certain setting, or choosing a setting and seeing what stories come from the experience?
Usually being in a particular setting will spawn ideas. Either through the things I experience in that place or because the setting itself is very evocative. Like the afternoon when I ended up riding on the back of an ancient motorbike through the medina in Marrakesh.
- Do you typically travel alone, or with other creatives/ writers/friends?
Actually a combination of both. I’ll travel somewhere with a friend and we’ll bum around together for a while then, once they go back home after a week or three, I travel on my own.
- Do you see all travel as research for writing or do you plan trips that are just about visiting family/friends/ relaxing without an agenda?
My official statement for my tax guy is “it’s all research!”
To clarify though, I’m a wanderer. I love seeing new places and experiencing new things. There’s nothing like being plopped down in a completely foreign culture, being disoriented by its unique structures and language then slowly feeling my way to familiarity, swimming back from that deep end. I treasure ways of turning those experiences into fiction.
- What are your top five destinations you have traveled to?
Morocco. Greece. Naples. Paris. Antwerp.
- What one destination do you want to revisit the most?
I feel a little clichéd in saying this, but it’s Paris. Their bakeries are amazing.
What are your top three travel tips for creatives abroad?
- Be open to traveling alone. You tend to meet more people when you’re not cliqued up and sometimes (subconsciously) closed off.
- If possible, experience a place at least twice.
- Make notes in your journal and take photos, of course. But not so much that you aren’t fully experiencing the moment.
Jamaican-born Fiona Zedde currently lives and writes in Atlanta, Georgia. She is the author of several novellas and novels of lesbian love and desire, including the Lambda Literary Award finalists Bliss and Every Dark Desire. Her novel, Dangerous Pleasures, was winner of the About.com Readers’ Choice Award for Best Lesbian Novel or Memoir of 2012. Find out more at www.FionaZedde.com
Is It Worth It? Tips for Evaluating Creative Projects
So I’m getting ready to go to a writing conference next week, and in the process of clearing my schedule, travel preparation, creating two editorial calendars, and meeting scheduled teaching obligations, I have been overwhelmed with new opportunities, and new project ideas. It often happens that when I am very busy and productive, my brain boils over with ideas for new projects. I like to take advantage of the times that my brain explodes with creative project ideas, storing them away like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter.
As a person with ADD/ADHD this is how my brain is most of the time, but some days it is worse. It can be overwhelming and frustrating. It feels like there is a tower of ideas in my head, each thought touching and building off other ideas and thoughts. It is a struggle sometimes to pull out the thoughts and ideas that best move me towards my goals, and not have everything come crashing to a halt because I choose the wrong idea to develop.
I never worry about running out of ideas, but I do worry about sorting out which idea/project/ new venture is best to pursue. After struggling to find a way to decide which ideas to take up, and which to let go, I choose this system. Any idea/project/venture that I choose to develop has to meet all three of these criteria:
- It has to feed me creatively, or financially, preferably both.
- It has to fit with my goals and it has be a step toward achieving an annual or lifetime goal.
- It has to align with my ethics and my values.
You will notice I don’t include that it has to be feasible, practical, or sensible. I have found that if a project meets the criteria listed, than the project becomes achievable, and it is reasonable to commit energy and resources to the project.
If you have a creative idea/project/venture that you are struggling to get started or complete, back up and examine why. Ask yourself: Why this project? Why don’t I want to get started? Why don’t I want to complete the project? Take the time to examine the project using the criteria listed above to evaluate it. Remember, it is perfectly fine to quit a project that does not move you towards your goals; it is okay to quit a project if it is not ethical and does not fit with your value system; and it is more than okay to quit a project that does not feed your body or your soul.
Thirteen for Halloween
Halloween is the ultimate holiday for those of us who relish having the bejesus scared out of us. For everyone who loves the creepy, the gory, the freak show, the weird, and just plain scary this is our time. We delight in the month of pumpkin spiced everything to the core of our adrenalin soaked souls. In celebration of my favorite time of year, I have a list of thirteen reads for Halloween. So take a break from visiting haunted houses and treat yourself to these thirteen dark reads.
- Dark Secrets: A Paranormal Noir Anthology, Rachel Caine, Cynthia Eden, Megan Hart, Suzanne Johnson, Jeffe Kennedy, Mina Khan. This is a marvelous anthology of paranormal noir romance. It is all here, ghost stories, dark fey, vampires, tormented djinn, murder, mayhem, and death. Hell, the devil himself appears in these pages. This anthology is a Halloween bag full of all your favorite reading time treats. It is hard to resist the sexy bite sized story morsels that beg you to read just one more.
- White is for Witching, Helen Oyeyemi. A creepy house, and a history of unfulfilled hunger passed down through generations, this book will have you swearing off of bed and breakfast accommodations.
- Boy Snow Bird, Helen Oyeymi’s lyrical and viscerally terrifying novel that turns Snow White upside down and sideways. I enjoyed this book so much I immediately read every thing else that Helen Otoyemi has written, so be warned.
- Family Dinner: A Tale of the Undead, Mark C. Scioneaux. A family love zombie story with the best twist ending I have read in years..
- The Resurrected Compendium, Megan Hart. A collection of terrifying, angry stories of the undead that dove tail into each other. These stories were originally released individually but are now collected into this gore fest of a compendium. The undead in these stories are not mindless slow walking killers. They are resurrected, pissed off, and they want what they want.
- Apparition, Michealbrent Collings. A novel that creeped me out so bad I had to read it in small bits. It does for cockroaches what Steven King did for clowns. Read it in a well-lit room in the company of others.
- Every Dark Desire and the sequel Desire before Dawn, Fiona Zedde. Yes, I know this is two books and it messes up the count, but damn these feature fierce vampires done right. Bloody, violent, and sexy as hell, these vamps will have you on your knees, baring your throat, begging for a nip.
- The Vines, Christopher Rice. Settle in for some southern discomfort as Rice spins this scary tale featuring family secrets, killer vines, and a hell of a twisty ending.
- The Headmaster, Tiffany Reisz. A fun, not so scary ghostly love story in the best tradition of weird tales. The banter and dialog make this a must read.
- American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis. Disturbing, darkly funny, and violent. What’s not to love about this book? If you are late to the party for this book, do yourself a favor and read it.
- Dawn- Book one Xenogenesis series, Octavia Butler. There are rumors that this will be coming to television and as a huge fan of the late Octavia Butler, I hope and pray that they do not screw it up. Dawn is a dark futuristic tale that reminds us that in the universe, survival has a price, and rescues can be expensive in more ways than one.
- Scary Stories to Read after Dark, Alvin Schwartz. Remember all those stories that you used to tell each other at over-nights to guarantee that no one slept, and that everyone was freaked out? This is a fantastic collection of all those tales, written down so that you don’t have to try to remember them. When your kids bug you to tell them a scary story, start them off right and read them one of these. This is best for older (9+) kids. Use your discretion. You know your kids better than anyone else, but be advised if you read this around the bonfire while camping be prepared to have your kids in your tent!
- Books of Blood, Clive Barker. No discussion of horror can leave him out. If you have not read this collection of short stories by the master you need to experience these wonderfully horrific tales.
There you have it. So go ahead light the fireplace, grab an adult beverage of your choice and settle in with any one of these books to enjoy the mayhem.
Bars
Rebalancing Act
Rebalancing. The act of trying to stay on top of your commitments to yourself and others when your schedule changes. I have written before about why it is so hard for ADD/ADHD individuals to change their routines here. As a parent with ADD/ADHD it is hard enough keeping my own schedule together, let alone the little people in my house. We started using checklists for the kids so that they can help getting us out the door in the morning and into bed at a reasonable time at night. The checklists are working well for them, and after finding myself spinning like the Ferris wheel above trying to get myself out the door one morning I think I need a checklist for me.
Balance is really about rebalancing, letting go of what does not work and holding on to what does work. If I don’t take time to examine my schedule and change what is not working, I end up frustrated, and crazed, and not getting anything accomplished. I started out this Fall thinking that I would be able to drop the kids off and head to the pool for a swim workout. I neglected to factor in that there are two aquatic exercise classes for older people scheduled when I planned on swimming, that it resulted in a very crowded locker room, and fewer lanes for lap swimming.
I got so frustrated that I skipped my swimming exercise. After two weeks of blowing off swimming I realized that I just needed to adjust my time. Every exercise recommendation you ever see says to do your exercise first thing in the morning so that you don’t skip it, but for me, the morning is my most creative time, and the pool is too crowded. Instead of just giving up, I tried going after lunch and before I pick up the kids. It worked, I get my swim time in, I have the locker room to myself, and I am in a better state of mind to deal with after-school-crazy time with my kids.
The willingness to try different ways to accomplish different tasks is key to success for people with ADD/ADHD. Let go of recommendations that do not work for you, and hold on to what works. Exercise really helps me with my focus, but I need to do it when it fits my schedule, not when everyone says you should do it.
This applies to every other task that people have opinions about when and how you should do it. For example almost every book of writing advice ever written advises that you write everyday. Would that work for me? Nope, after a long shift at my day job I am too burnt out and tired. Write before my shift to get my writing in? Nope, not getting up at four in the morning to put words on paper, although I have stayed up to four in the morning writing when in a groove. What do I do instead of beating myself up about not writing everyday? I make it count when I do write. I set goals for word counts. I stick with what works for me.
Two years ago I participated in the madness that is NANOWRIMO (see my post here if you don’t know what NANOWRIMO is) I only had weekdays to write, and only for two hours and forty-five minutes. So I sat down and figured out how many words I had to write each day in that two hours and forty-five minutes to finish. Did I write everyday? Nope, but I still managed to get fifty thousand words written in twenty days. Find what works and hold on to it, and let go of any advice that does not work for you. Listen to yourself, research, experiment, read and re-balance to find your center.
Be kind to yourself, don’t quit, find what works for you and do it.
