Scheduling, Planning, and Life

As much as I’d like to pretend that my life always goes according to plan that would be a lie. This past week we lost one of our dear sweet pups. She was ten, a long time in dog years, never long enough in people years. She was the runt of her litter, the only girl, and feisty as hell.  She ran the house, was a fierce protector of our kids, and always ratted them out by barking when they did anything she thought was unsafe. She loved people and was a stealth kisser. 

Her death was sudden, but not unexpected as she had struggled with some health problems this past year. This week it’s been hard to sit down to write, my office feels a bit emptier and my house is too quiet. Her brother is still with us, and he’s been a huge cuddle bug and for that I’m grateful.  My plan to have my current WIP completed by the end of May is off the rails, I may finish by then, I may not. I’m giving myself permission to grieve as much as I need to, for me that means reading books with no angst and happy endings. I’ve managed to sit down to write yesterday and today and my time at the keyboard helps, immersing myself in my own own world where pets live forever is my favorite way to heal.  Schedules are great and planning is the only way that I accomplish anything, but grief has a way of up-ending all of it. So I’m going to do what I can and that will have to be enough. 

Rest in peace my Kona girl. 

What to do when you don’t know what to do

February is difficult for me. It is always cold, cloudy, snowy, icy, and/or rainy. I struggle with grief as it is the anniversary month of several deaths, both family, and friends. I struggle to find my center and don’t know what to do with myself. I usually cope by writing, immersing myself in a world of my own making, where no one dies unless I want them to. This year my timing is a bit off because of some health issues I had in December. So I’m at the brainstorming part of my next book but not ready to write. I haven’t known what to do with my grief, anger, overwhelm, anxiety and stress. I found the answer in an article about resilience. As a parent, I want to model resilience for my kids so they will have an understanding of how to cope with life.  I tell my kids all the time. Don’t worry about things you can’t control. Do your best with the things you can control.

I took my own advice and I made two lists: Things I Can’t Control, and a list of Things I Can Control. Here are some of my entries: I can’t control the weather, other people’s behavior, time, space, the events of the world, or reviewers (for the authors out there). I can control what I eat, what I read, what I listen to, what I do with my time, the way I speak with other people, how I listen, and who I spend time with.

Listing calmed me, reminded me I am in control of the things that can help with the rawness that February brings. If you are as discomforted by February as I am I hope this post helps.  If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts contact this hotline. Call. Text. Use online chat. Reach out.





Holiday Hell, Part 2


I wrote a post last year that talked about how to deal with the holidays and the stress and overwhelm that they can bring here , and I wrote about grief here. Today’s post talks about how to deal with grief at the holidays. I am not talking about the generic sadness that can strike because imagined holiday joy is offset by the reality of dealing with family, or work, or horrible happenings in the world at large.

I am talking about the kind of grief that comes from spending your first holidays without the best friend, the child, the mother, the brother, the son, the daughter, the husband, the wife, the partner, the father, the grandfather, the grandmother, the auntie, the uncle, or sister that has left this world.

I am talking about the kind of grief and sadness that sneaks up on you randomly and delivers a heart crushing pain. It can be little things that trigger it, a familiar smell, a place that reminds you of them, a store display, a gift that you might have bought, lighting the candles, a song that you hear, an ornament, or a tradition that now seems empty.

I have lived a bit at this point in my life, and have had my share of holidays that were about getting through them rather than celebrating. I know that I have been fortunate to have more years where I have reveled in all that is wonderful and good and happy about the holidays. I know that this year many of my friends are trying to find a way through the holidays. This my letter to them, and to everyone who is trying to support them.

  1. Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to feel better, even if that means that you are doing something completely different.
  2. Let yourself be as sad as you need to be, don’t try and stuff your feelings because you are afraid of making others uncomfortable.
  3. Do not self-medicate with alcohol and drugs. As hard as it is, feel your feelings, masking them with substances is not good for your health.
  4. Let others do for you. If you cannot get it together to do what you have always done, let someone else do it.
  5. Surround yourself with people that love you, birth family, or made family, whoever it is, let them love you.
  6. If you are considering self-harm, please, please, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline . They have online services that are there to help.

If you are the one trying to help someone that is struggling here are your five tips:

  1. Ask what you can do to help, and then do it.
  2. Do not change the subject if the person grieving wants to talk about their sadness, let them express how they are feeling. Listen.
  3. If you are concerned about how someone is handling their grief, ask them. It is okay to talk about being sad.
  4. Love them, even if they are not themselves, even if they are angry, moody, or cry a lot, hold them if they need/want it, give them space to feel what they are feeling.
  5. If you are concerned that the person is at risk for self-harm, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline . They have many resources, to help you help the person you are worried about.


Staying Focused Awash in Grief.

Over the last three months I have struggled with focus. Why? Grief.  In the last twelve weeks there have been eight deaths that have directly, or indirectly touched me. The last time I lost this many people, this close together, was in the middle of the AIDs epidemic.

Grief is difficult for everyone. For individuals with ADHD, it it compounded by behavioral issues. I wrote about keeping it together when a family member faces a health crises here.  Some of the same issues complicate grief for individuals with ADD/ADHD, impulse control, issues with substance abuse, the inability to be still, discomfort in your own skin, and an increased incidence of depression and suicide.

My tips for handling grief can be summed up in a few sentences.

1. Do not self-medicate. I am talking about the urge to binge watch/spend money/shop/drink/smoke/eat chocolate/ whatever your make-me-forget-not-feel drug of choice is, don’t do it. Feel your feelings no matter how uncomfortable they are.

2. Pay attention. Being sad is normal. Not getting out of bed for days is not. Get help.

3. Find someone to talk to about your feelings. A therapist, social worker, clergy, your best friend, your family.

4. If you are a creative, create. Do the thing that feeds your soul.

5. Give yourself time. So many times we think that we should be able to “just get over” whatever it is that is making us sad. A very wise woman once told me “some things you don’t get over, you just get through.”

6. Find a peaceful view. Just sit with it. This is mine.

Please give yourself time to heal.

If you are struggling with depression, please, please, get help, don’t make a decision in a moment that is permanent. This link is for the National Suicide Prevention Organization their number 24/7/365 is 1-800-273-8255.