Staying Focused Awash in Grief.

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Over the last three months I have struggled with focus. Why? Grief.  In the last twelve weeks there have been eight deaths that have directly, or indirectly touched me. The last time I lost this many people, this close together, was in the middle of the AIDs epidemic.

Grief is difficult for everyone. For individuals with ADHD, it it compounded by behavioral issues. I wrote about keeping it together when a family member faces a health crises here.  Some of the same issues complicate grief for individuals with ADD/ADHD, impulse control, issues with substance abuse, the inability to be still, discomfort in your own skin, and an increased incidence of depression and suicide.

My tips for handling grief can be summed up in a few sentences.

1. Do not self-medicate. I am talking about the urge to binge watch/spend money/shop/drink/smoke/eat chocolate/ whatever your make-me-forget-not-feel drug of choice is, don’t do it. Feel your feelings no matter how uncomfortable they are.

2. Pay attention. Being sad is normal. Not getting out of bed for days is not. Get help.

3. Find someone to talk to about your feelings. A therapist, social worker, clergy, your best friend, your family.

4. If you are a creative, create. Do the thing that feeds your soul.

5. Give yourself time. So many times we think that we should be able to “just get over” whatever it is that is making us sad. A very wise woman once told me “some things you don’t get over, you just get through.”

6. Find a peaceful view. Just sit with it. This is mine.

Please give yourself time to heal.

If you are struggling with depression, please, please, get help, don’t make a decision in a moment that is permanent. This link is for the National Suicide Prevention Organization their number 24/7/365 is 1-800-273-8255.

A Year of Woman’s Voices: Jam on the Vine by LaShonda Barnett

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LaShonda Barnett’s Jam on the Vine is the first post in the 2015 A Year of Women’s Voices series. I have loved reading historical fiction for a long as I can remember and Jam on the Vine is one of the first I have read in a long time that made me me want to read it again as soon as I had finished it. This novel features a strong story with great character development, a believable weaving of fact and fiction, and romance. I am forever grateful to Fiona Zedde for recommending this book.

Barnett’s novel follows Ivoe Willams as she grows from a girl voraciously reading purloined newspapers to a woman pushed to risk her life publishing her own newspaper to address horrific abuses and racial injustices of the early 20th century. Interwoven in Ivoe’s story is the story of her family and her lover. Ivoe’s comfort with her sexuality is refreshing, and while a part of her story it is not the whole story. After an unfortunate encounter with an ex-lover, with doors slammed in her face because of her race and gender, Ivoe decides to make a way when there is no way.

Barnett’s writing is crisp, lyrical, and evocative. If someone were to ask me for a work that would help them to understand inhumanity of the Jim Crow south, the beginning of mass incarceration, horrors of the summer of 1919 and race riots in northern cities I would hand them this book. Although this is a work of fiction, it is built on actual events, and the experiences and emotions are true.

As a writer this is what I have learned reading LaShonda Barnett’s Jam on the Vine:

1. Setting is the crucible for character development.

2. The unsaid is as powerful as the blatant and more menacing.

3. Write it real, real emotions are compelling. Don’t gloss over the difficult ones. Jealousy, love, hate, revulsion, lust, and anger are essential for good storytelling.

4. Nothing is a terrifying as human beings behaving inhumanly.

5. Character growth is progressive but change can happen in an instant.

Be warned, this is not a comfortable read, but an anxiety promoting tense tale of one woman’s surviving and thriving during a very harsh and horrific time period of American history. Read this book with your eyes wide open, don’t look away, feel the fear, rejoice in Ivoe’s triumphs, celebrate her victories and passion.

Check out LaShonda Barnett’s website for more information and details about her other works.

 

Research for Writers: Ten Tips for Location Research

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This is the beginning of a series of posts on research for writers. Some writers do a large amount of location research before they start a project, some do research as they go along, others of us may pick up bits and pieces like crazed crows gathering up every little shiny object or fact that catches our eye, add a little ADHD to the mix and location research can become overwhelming.

I fall in to the crazed crow category, and have talked about how I have organized my bits and pieces and ideas using flat files here , and how to make the most of collecting ideas when traveling here. I wrote about how to know when to stop researching and start writing here.

Here are ten tips for being productive when you research locations for your non-fiction, creative non-fiction, novel, short story, screenplay or other creative writing project.

1. Location research does not have to be long distance. Google Earth  has put much of the world just a mouse click or finger swipe away. If you are setting your story in a real place, even if the characters are fictional, readers will take you to task if you are mistaken in your geography.

2. Travel guides are your friends. If you are able to visit a location, take advantage of travel guidebooks. Most libraries carry travel guidebooks.  Lonely Planet travel guides are my favorite and no they don’t pay me to say that. If you are not able to travel to the location, a guidebook is helpful for researching your setting.  If your work is not contemporary, library sales are an excellent way to find out of print/ older guidebooks and old maps for getting the scenes right.

3. If you are going to travel, plan before you go. Plan, plan, and plan again. I work from a thick outline, and make notes to myself in the margins about research, that needs to be completed for the story. Using my notes, I create a list of places to visit, things to experience, and people I would like to interview.

4. Borrowing from the film and photography industry make a shot list.  For photographers and film makers a shot list is a list of photographs to take or scenes to film.  I use photos for much of my research because I am a visual organizer. If you are not into taking photos this is simple a list of places or events you want to visit or observe. Some writers sketch locations if photographs are inappropriate for the location or event.

5. Local guides can be invaluable if you have limited time.  Members of historical societies, hiking groups, amateur photography clubs, and/or friends of friends can be more than willing to answer questions, point out the best places for photos, accompany you to events, or provide history and details that only locals know. Be respectful of their time, offer to pay for fuel or food or both if they take you on a tour that involves motorized transportation. A thank you card is always appreciated.

6. Be respectful of local culture. Dress appropriately, this is another instance where local guides can be helpful. People should never be treated like animals in the zoo. Always ask permission if you wish to photograph people, and respect their answer if it is no. Most people will answer polite questions. If they ask why you want to know, be truthful. Many people will be happy to answer respectfully presented questions, and if not, move on.

7. Journal your experiences, even if you don’t normally keep a journal. Find a way to record your impressions, feelings, tastes, sounds, and what you see. All of this can be used, if not for a current project for a later one.

9. Push your limits, try new things, but be safe. Pay attention to your surroundings. Leave an itinerary if you are traveling alone. Listen to your gut, if something does not feel right if most likely is not safe.

10. Travel light, keep your gear simple, and have a back up plan if the location/event you planned to visit is not available.

Don’t be afraid of location research, use these tips, make your trip productive and most of all have fun.

 

How to Talk about Money: Ten Tips for Calm Conversation

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Talking about money is one of the most difficult conversations that couples have. Statistics indicate that money problems are a primary reason for divorce. I have talked about the issues that make it difficult for ADHD individuals to manage their money here and here. Trying to explain to your partner some wacky impulse purchase that made total sense at the time is a set up for bad feelings, accusations, and disagreements.

Talking about how to spend money can be fraught with judgement, and if one partner has a higher income the conversation can be very uncomfortable. If you are going to survive as a couple, you have to find a way to talk about your money, how to spend it, what to save for, and how to handle debt. This is important even if you keep your money separately. Here are my top ten tips for a constructive money conversation.

1. Have the conversation in a neutral environment where each of you feels safe. Ideally the environment will not include children if you have them. You want to be able to focus and really hear each other.

2. Listen! Listen to each other without judgement. Listen, without forming your response in your head. The moment you start thinking of your answer/rebuttal you stop hearing what the other person is saying.

3. Keep the discussion in “I” phrases. For example : “I am worried that we are not saving enough to retire.” Do not blame. It is pointless. Remember that no one is a bad person because they have poor money management skills and focus on the now, not the past.

4. Bring all the numbers with you. Make a list of everything you owe and all your resources so that your are not talking about nebulous numbers. This is most important if one of you is the only one who pays bills and handles the banking.

5. There are always options. This is important to remember, as if your money problems are severe you might get stuck in a rut thinking there is no way out. There are plenty of options to research, but starting with debt settlement is a good idea. Research either on your own or as a couple depending on how conversations are going.

6. If impulse spending is the root cause of your problems, create cooling off mechanisms and spending agreements. For example: No one spends more than $100.00 on non-food items without discussing it with the other person first.

7. Agree to have regular meetings to discuss your money. Yelling at each other as you pass in the kitchen does not count.

8. If you find that no matter what you can not have a civil discussion about money, you may need to involve an outside party. This could be clergy, an accountant, or similar, non-family, neutral party. It is essential to have an individual present to help facilitate the discussion who is not invested in how you spend your money.

9. Remember to breathe. We do not come into this world automatically knowing how to manage money. It is a process. Take advantage of resources, many of them free, that are available to learn how to manage your money. Learn together.

10. The best way to start any money meeting is to remember why you became partners/spouses in the first place.

 

 

When it All Feels Like Too Much

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My brain feels like this.

I often feel like this in February. The thrill of the New Year is over. It is usually so dang cold that going outside even for a few minutes feels overwhelming.  It is the time of year  when I start to question my ability to get it all done.

This is when it is time to step back, take a minute and remember the why of my goals. If you missed my post on setting goals, you can read it here .  Are you feeling the same way? Statistics suggest that at least half of the people that make New Year’s resolutions or goals abandon them after eight weeks.

Here are five tips to get back on track when you fall off the goal wagon:

1. Do one thing each day towards your most important goal. It does not have to be a huge thing, just do one small thing. Write one sentence if that is all you can manage, but do it. Set a timer for ten minutes and do as much as you can in ten minutes. If you are in a grove, set it for another ten minutes. The hardest part of momentum is getting started.

2. Get inspired again. Pick a theme song or make a play-list for working on specific goals. The play-list becomes your cue to get to work. I talk about the role of music in creating a habit of work in this post ,  and the prolific writer Megan Hart talks about the role music plays in her work habits here.  Make that play-list or pick the theme song. It will signal your brain that it is time to work.

3. Get off Social Media. You heard me. Take a break. Set limits. Do not compare your life/ achievements/ publishing record/ accomplishments to other people’s carefully curated life.

4. Review your goal plan. Do you need to rethink and re-plan? Has your life changed? Is the goal not important anymore?  Do you want to accomplish something else? Do not be afraid to abandon a goal if your life has changed dramatically. A new job, illness, birth, death, relocation, financial status changes may mean that you need to reexamine your goals and make a new plan.

5. Be gentle with yourself. Feel your feels, then get back on the bus and get going toward your goals.

When you are feeling overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, or confused : Jump into whatever creative thing feeds you with both feet.

Money for the Distracted: 10 Ways to Curb Impulse Spending

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This is my second post in the money series. In my first post about money and ADD/ADHD, which you can read here if you missed it, I talked about how managing finances is difficult for people with ADD/ADHD.  A disclaimer, I am not an accountant, financial advisor, or economist, these are just some basic suggestions to organize your money life so you can feel more stable in how you handle money.

Many people struggle with impulse spending. It is even more difficult for people with ADD/ADHD, because we can jump into extravagant spending sprees, all in the name of a project related to house, food, kids, hobby, new job, etc. and be in debt up to our eyeballs before we know what the hell just happened.
I am not talking about a candy bar at the check out.  I’m talking about an entire library of books, a workshop full of tools, a new work-out wardrobe, a new house, kind of impulse spending. I talked about how hard yard-sales are for the distracted here.

So here are ten things you can do to stop impulsive spending:
1. Have a plan before you go shopping. Make a list. This is the hardest part: IF IT IS NOT ON THE LIST DO NOT BUY IT.  Really, do not buy it. Even if it is a great deal. Walk away. It is not a great deal if it was not on the list. This the only way to stick to your plan.

2. Take one-click shopping off of your phone. While you are at it, take the shopping apps off your phone. Randomly scrolling through shopping apps because your are bored, tired or can’t sleep is bad. It is the new version of infomercials that convince you that you NEED to spend $500.00 to loose weight/be a millionaire/ grow hair/ juice/ have a beach body, etc.  If you have to actually log in to a desk top computer or tablet to shop it will slow you down.

3. Delete your credit card information from the sites that are weaknesses, whatever that is, shoes, clothes, books, or the everything store. Again this will make require that you locate your credit card and then enter the information to make your purchase. This will buy some time for you to THINK about the purchase.

4. Before you spend anything that is not food or essential, ask yourself: Is this moving me closer to my goals? If the answer is no, the complete collection of the Crocodile Hunter on DVD is not going to get you closer, do not buy it. If your goal is to save money for a trip/vacation/emergency fund/house, etc, impulsively spending money will not get you there.

5. Find free alternatives to feed the need to acquire objects. Get a library card. Use it. Filling up a bag with books, Cd’s, and DVDs can feel like shopping.  The best part? You can take them back and do it all over again, for free!

6. Although some folks advocate cutting up all your credit cards, and going to a cash only system, I live in the real world, and I like to travel. Having a credit card makes it so much easier to travel. To curb impulse spending with your credit card, leave it home, (in a safe place where you can find it) when you are in your hometown. If you want whatever it is that you were going to buy bad enough to go all the way back home, find your credit card and then drive back to the store to buy the item, then you have given yourself some time to really think about the purchase.

7. Set a monetary limit for purchases that have to be discussed with another person. This person will need to be someone who will not get on the impulse train with you. It may seem silly for a grown person to have to talk to someone about their purchases but having to explain why you NEED the complete DVD collection of  the Golden Girls will make you think about twice about buying it.

8. Avoid the trigger stores. You know what they are. Bookstores, hardware stores, shoe stores, clothes stores, anywhere you could spend all day and your next paycheck. Do not go. If you do visit one of theses money-suck stores leave everything but cash you can spend behind. No debit card. No credit cards.

9. Write the word Think! on a sticky note. Place it on your credit card. Alternatively you could put a picture that represents you money goal on the front of your credit card, use whatever will remind you to stop and think before you spend.

10. Have someone else shop. This will not work for everything and every purchase but if your weakness is the grocery store, make a list and send someone else. Use an on-line service if you do not have a partner or friend who would do this for you.  if you are someone who routinely overspends at the grocery store, the money you would spend on the service will be off-set by the money you spend on impulse purchases.

I hope these help. The key in all of this is to find a way to give yourself time to think and decisions that support your money goals.  I have used each of these tips at one time or another. They do work. Remember to be kind to yourself. If you get discouraged go back and read the first post in this series.

 

A Year of Women’s Voice’s Retrospective

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I started my Year of Women’s Voices project about this time last year. As an obsessive reader, book reviews are one of my favorite posts to write.  Each review features my thoughts on the craft of writing and observations about story telling learned from each writer. I have arranged my 2014 posts in chronological order, most recent first.  If there are writers here that you have not read, challenge yourself to read one new author this year.

 

Zoe Kessler: ADHD According to Zoe

 

 

 

Patti Smith: Just Kids

 

 

Jenny Lawson: Let’s Pretend this Never Happened

 

 

Taking the Long Way Home

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After six weeks, ten thousand six hundred and ten miles, four suitcases, two sets of grandparents, and a wonderful start to the year, I am finally home. Happy, exhausted, and full of new ideas for this year’s posts. I enjoyed writing my Year of Women’s Voices series and will continue the book review series this year.  The blog will continue to feature tips for living with ADHD, time management tips, inspiration and ideas for writers and creative people of all types.
Last week I started a new series about money management and ADHD, follow this link if you missed it . Today I am starting another new series: Silent Sunday. Once a month I will post photographs / photo essays. Use the photos for inspiration, a story prompt, or just enjoy them.